Already?

These are pictures of Bad Schwalbach, the beautiful little town that I fell in love with in two short weeks. For the record, I wasn't trying to guard my heart at all. On the contrary, I made a point to wake early and wander from end to end and all over the hillsides, opening my heart wide to the sunrise. I made friends with the lady who runs the only book store in town, promising to see much more of her as soon as I was paid. She was full of helpful recommendations for books I might be able to enjoy already that would improve my German. I had a long conversation with Bernhardt, who runs the tanning salon, while he took the biometric pass photos I needed for my visa. He wanted to get right into modern politics and American-German relations since WWII. It is not surprising that Bernhardt preferred deeper topics to "flaky" American small talk, but it is rather unusual that these people were willing to be so helpful and so open with me so quickly. It usually takes a long time to get to know anyone German. You have to prove that you really are here to stay.

I thought I was.

I collected tourist material and I took pictures to post later with detailed descriptions of the town's history as a holistic healing center, the Roman mud baths, the main drag full of cute little shops that only takes a half hour to traverse, the Jane-Austen worthy fields at the top of a serious hike. I went in search of a farm for raw milk and I started a batch of homemade sauerkraut. I found a place to take the little girl for a milk shake as a treat. I explored every grocery store, making mental notes of their offerings and comparative prices. I want to church, stayed after for coffee, memorized names and starting dreaming about where to volunteer when the summer holidays came to an end. I found the library. I began writing a post about how perfect it was that this was a little holistic-health town, sprung up around the baths, and here I am ready to practice and experiment with a holistically-based healthier lifestyle.

It all seemed so perfectly aligned.

Just this one little problem-- where I wasn't getting paid, the way I was told I would. And I was being expected to cook, but not given a portion of the food budget, as discussed. And I had waited for the discussion. And I had taken notes, and I had written down my bank information and handed it over. And then I had waited another day-- because life gets busy, and remembering is (apparently) hard. And then I waited another day-- for essentially the mystical reason that God told me the timing wasn't good. I used this day to prepare and pray for what would now need to be a boundary re-negotiation.

And on the third day, as is wont, everything changed.

Out of respect (for my own desires to stay classy-- don't be too impressed) I will neglect all the details. I will say only that I believe God was absolutely faithful to help me through this confrontation (which always makes me nervous) with my integrity and my courage intact.

But the fourth day found me packed and jobless in Germany, newly homeless and headed for a dear old friend's apartment in a city nearby. (Coincidence that she should be there? Ha! God is great.)

A week (und munze= small coins) later, I'm blown away by the speed at which the wind can change. God does not forbear to send me tacking quickly this way and that at full throttle, and I must admit I love every second of it. Except for the vague panic when I think too long about how I will soon be really homeless (my friend is moving) and my savings won't hold out too long and all of these job prospects could so easily fall through and maybe I won't get a work permit and maybe I will have to come home with my tail between my legs and OH gee, Jesus, these waves are really big and I'm beginning to sink........

So I gulp down some deep breath and I fix my eyes on Jesus.
I admit that there is fear; there is lots of uncertainty. And it does get to me.
I say I am sure that God brought me here. And that He knew that this job was untrustworthy, even when I didn't. I am surprised, but He isn't. He tells me to try to stay, so He has something else in mind.
I say He will come through.
And after I do, I have a second of angst: Oh, Lord, I will be so embarrassed if have just said this and you don't come through. I will be humiliated if I am wrong about all this-- please do not let me be put to shame. I've already done shame-- I don't want to go back.

I remember long ago weeping on a different friend's floor-- utterly undone by the emotional consequences of some bad relational decisions and sobbing Psalm 34. My sweet friend's face hovered near mine, bewildered as I tried to cry and laugh at the same time, unsure if she should comfort me or smile at my comic mess. She was the perfect audience for this public Psalm to make its way into my heart, in that subtle way Jesus has of doing dramatic things in the most anti-climactic way possible. Today I still remember Psalm 34 with the texture of dorm carpet pressing into my elbows.

"I sought the LORD, and He answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame." v.4+5

So I sought the Lord-- and my plans changed from set to spinning.
And I found myself unemployed in Europe, with no ticket home.
And yet, free from odious employ. Given generous hospitality, and plenty of time to look on Him and radiantly enjoy this fantastic adventure that I would never have been so prodigal to choose for myself.
And so I say again, tweaking the angst 'til it twitches no more, He has a plan-- an amazing plan-- full of good works, prepared in advance for me to do HERE. He will come through, and I will not be put to shame.

Stay tuned. (!)

Oh Germany, land of warfare.

I never imagined how appropriate it would be to use this blog title as my keeping-in-touch, Au-pair-adventure blog. But here I am, getting to know my new family, and they both have rebellious spirits, much like mine.

The little girl is a "tester" of boundaries (her mother brags, and I have seen)-- another strong-willed stallion, whom I must discipline and train but not break. The mother claims to be a recovering people-pleaser, although I have more recently seen that she too, will push whatever limits are not enforced with consequences. I have a measure of authority over one and under the other-- I am the spread in a submission sandwich. I am about to have oh-so-much practice navigating some complex boundaries. I am nervous but excited-- this is going to be very difficult, but I am going to grow. And indeed, we are well underway.

While I am not foolish enough to traverse the ocean without a contract, the exact boundaries of expectations, consequences and services had yet to be laid out satisfactorily. I became more anxious for this discussion as some of my early expectations were quickly disappointed. Before arriving, I thought they were healthy, non-picky eaters. (So did they, until I started discussing traditional nutrition and challenging the low-fat notion.) I thought there was a measure of logistical organization. However no further research had been done into the proper process of my on-base paperwork in the time between my first interview and my flight, and precious days were wasted in the wrong office waiting rooms. It took the better part of a week to sit down and have this boundaries discussion, and to my shame it took me 24 hours after that discussion to begin realizing that no compromises whatsoever had been made to me, and in fact the perks offered me (German classes, a limited work week OR overtime pay) had been coaxed away using some fairly manipulative negotiation tricks. She had made her problems mine, but had not made my problems hers.

In taking on this position, I have been excited to learn how to be a servant, according to traditions I have read about in old Britain and heard about from my grandparent's reminiscing about growing up in the South. These stories are about the place of valued household servants in a family; a group of people without whom the household simply does not run smoothly.  A forgotten class who enrich the lives of the ones they serve and who are seen as indispensable, there are both good and bad stories about their treatment, but I had high hopes for my value as a luxury (live in, exclusive, experienced, college educated childcare!) in these modern times. I dreamt of learning to be like Samwise Gamgee and Mary Poppins. What lovely ideals! Do I seem foolish yet? I should.

And so I find myself in a land known mostly for warfare- both physical and spiritual, facing an upcoming fight. It will be much harder now to renegotiate these boundaries so soon, although I am gratified that at least I said, "that seems fair, but let's see how it goes," rather than, "yes that will work all year." It will be much harder to negotiate these boundaries gently now that I am angry about falling prey to tactics, and taking so long to notice the inconsistencies in the position being communicated verbally and that being expressed through actions. And yet, here there is still so very much room for growth. Instead of being able to come open-handed and give generously, and be cared for and respected in return, I must argue my worth and fight for my value against a shrewd and miserly negotiator, who does not shrink back from plying upon pity or obscuring facts. Beloved, this is the way of the wily world, and it is time to learn how to protect your good against it's abuses while living by it. To learn how to rebel against the parts of claims that are excessive while not rejecting the entire relationship-- to live in and with those who need my help and yet still would abuse it has become my most necessary skill. Is this not the heart of being salt in a world of manure? It is important that I not compromise my health to enable this woman to keep a servant who is in fact beyond her means, if she has not been lying to me about her grocery budget. If she has not been lying, better to leave now than impoverish them and malnourish myself. If I have allowed her to lie to me, it is important also for her good that I not allow her to extort unchecked. However, if I am called to serve this family, I will need to die to self a little each day to serve them. There is so much tension here. How much death is helpful, and how much enables? There is much argument to come. I dread it, and I am not confident that I will do well by her, myself or Jesus. But thank God that no matter how I do with this test, He values me the same. By Grace, and the loving reminder of my community back home, her devaluing of me will not speak to my heart, which answers only to One who saw fit to die for me. His budget does not change, and He does not reneg His promise to take care of me and be my Hope, wherever I may go.