I haven't kept you updated very well in the last month. It's been a time with a different quality: an odd, lovely, waiting time, with spurts of activity and a low thrum of anxiety held at bay by a swarm of small moments of prayer.
First came the flurry of emails sent: agonizing over the boundary negotiation with my first-almost Au pair boss, then a quick return trip immediately the day after to retrieve a package, and the fury and disappointment when I was tricked into spending 3 hours and 15 euros and there was no package, just a tense request for the now-no-longer-needed house key, which could have been mailed. And when I am furious, it is almost always with myself: I should have had a plan, been clever enough somehow to see that this might be coming and know what I would do in that case, instead of being caught by surprise by treachery from an untrustworthy person. I took the high road and stayed "innocent as a dove", acting in good faith, but I lacked the capacity to be "wise as a serpent". The trustworthy trust easily, the untrustworthy trust no one, since we expect others to be like ourselves. The wise are trustworthy but wary, and set aside self-absorption to see others as they are. How can it have taken me 19 years since I started paying attention to get only this far? I can only hope that I am learning now to make better use of time and the opportunities that lay around me.
Then came another flurry of emails and facebook interactions: informing my friends and family what was going on and asking for advice and help. Making lists of leads and ideas, and trying not to get completely overwhelmed by the flood of ideas and information coming my way. Soaking up the love and support as fortification against uncertainty. Filling time with the simple acts of a weekend-- food shopping on Saturday (everything is closed on Sundays here), going to church, resting after a restless and stressful and sleepless couple days and the long-laden journey.
And then Monday, the first week of unemployment. Time to tackle things, time to learn again how to make the most of time. It is a very strange situation: to have totally unstructured time, which feels like endless time, and yet to have only 11 weeks to find a job, a place to live and get the paperwork for all of it approved through the German system. I have never liked unemployement. Even though I have enough personal projects (gifts to make, files to organize, letters to write, guitar to practice, it goes on for a while...) at any given point to occupy several lifetimes, with no where to be, I freeze up. Not all the time, of course, but it is actually very difficult to stop trying to make the "best" of time: meaning evaluating every way that the time could be spent and comparing the merits to declare a king, by which end all the time is gone, having been used to evaluate the infinite possibilities. Instead, to make the "most" of time-- pick something, not something perfect, but something reasonably useful and JUST DO IT. To actually be a little less obsessively intentional, and instead to keep moving. To pray, "Lord, I'm going to go ahead and organize my propped-open suitcase and find a new place for my piled-up tourist materials and if that isn't where you want me to spend my time, please redirect me. I want to be working in your will." And find myself writing an email to my immigration-office guy in the middle of folding socks a half hour later. Instead of praying, "Lord, what do you want me to do today?" and then find myself still sitting there, daydreaming out the window an hour later, having not even an interesting revelation to show for the time. (Yes, both these scenarios really happened in this particular week. There has been loads of time wasted-- this learning process is definitely not without its failures.)
Really, I'm kind of back where I was when I moved to Northern Virginia in October 2011: unemployed, living on grace and hospitality, overwhelmed with the enormous number of possibilities, (I could go anywhere! I could do many, many things!) waiting on the Lord to show me what next. In that particular situation, after 4 months of utterly wasted time, I wound up working at Starbucks in utter desperation-- not because I had been rejected so many times (I think I may have submitted one real job application, but I can't remember where), but because I knew that if I didn't get my time structured SOMEHOW, I would never get moving with the process. There was a lot of training that God put me through in NOVA: many trials of stewardship, discipline, steadfastness and trust. If I were the one grading myself, I would give myself an F for the first quarter and maybe a C by the end. So while I hate being unemployed, in many ways this is an exciting second trial: another chance to grow. God sees Jesus' straight-A record when He looks at me, but He is also circling back around, covering the material again so that I will not have to live without experiencing Him fully in these circumstances. How many times will we do this? As many as it takes. He is discontent that I should not know Him as the God Who Is There In My Unemployment. Or maybe even, the God Who Is There For Me, Even When I Do Not Make The Most Of Time. I bet these names sound better in Hebrew.
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